Gees i feel so useless, im stupid. i dont know how to do hard stuff. gees im sorry im not smart and i dream big. i cant live up to my expectattions or up to your lowly standards of me.i cant even do that much and i spend so much of your money. im sorry. i find those who suicide quite brave, to let go off everything in a split second. there are happy days and there are bad days, i jsut want to look back and laugh at all this. but right now, its jsut so frustrating!! I cant do what i am expected so i blame others, i blame my sisters, i blame my enviroment, i blame you, i blame everyone to take off the guilt as to why i did so badly. i see everyone around me suceeding, i can imagine my life in their shoes, but getting there looks really bleak at the moment.
Everyone's potential, i belive can be seen in primary school. I see my friends potential and wow, i wish i was like them. Everyone who was in the smart group in primary are all doing well now. i was always JUST there, not there yet but ABOUT to. working hard is jsut not me, ive never had to do anything hard in my life, being spoilt since young, was that my decision? Obviously not, being put in that enviroment then being removed .. how do i just make myself feel natrual to this? It's been 6 years, the worst years in my life. But it does come second to being/staying over someones house every week and being molested. who says my life is all that fantastic? And i get everything i want? Uhha. I question in my mind, when you think of your childhood memories, what were they? eating ice cream at the parlour and such with your parents in the image? Yeah mine were there, dropping me off early in the morning to my family friend's house, disturbing their house every morning. Must have been a pain to have me. I admit i stole cause i liked it, ithaving parents then was like having none at all. Work so hard, have me, work even harder. whats the point? Death seems like a simple solution. But with my mum's superstitions, theres the afterlife and such. And i will go to hell to be punished for all my wrong doings. Yelling at my parents would be the biggest one, lying, stealing, persuading and much more. I've done pretty much everything thats bad. I havent done smoking or drugs, but could come next? Who knows.
What i want to know are the kids who drink at an early age, i want to see how their lives turn out. Girls with no pride, how will they end up? Do i just ignore and try to live my own life? Gosh this sounds so bloody depressing. Should get therapy. I jsut want someone to give me an answer. What was the point of me being born into thisworld? I bring so much grief to whom loves me. was i like some live toy that was designed to punish my parents for their wrong doings in the past? Man wha is this life coming to? there is so much pressure in vce. and then uni. I know what i want, i want to travel. I dont want to be away from mys siters too long, but if i had the opportunity to study overseas for a year, id take it up. If only it was given to me now, id take it in a heartbeat. I just want to get away from everyone, everything here. I need another break? Some people work all their lives and some have not even been overseas and ive just came back from the u.s and soon to thai. So is it selfish of me to think of another holiday? Am i just a lazy girl ? Im really tired. If there was a pill that would make me sleep forever, id buy that in a heart beat too. but then id bring so much heartache to those around me, which then would make me feel guilty. my family, friends, gees. this really sucks. nothing is going the way i hoped it would be. the fortune teller said i was going to have a hard life, yipee. and imstupid. wahh didnt need to be told that, it shows from my failing reports. just when i was motivated to do even better, my results for accounting was brought up, this just made me feel all depressed once again. what can i do my cry to myself. i dont want to bring up the past. i dont want to live in the past. i just want to live now, but why do people around me keep bringing up everything i dont want to hear? Its so frutsraing. and theres nothing i can do but smile. or try laugh it off or cringe my face.
i think i've had enough and i cant wait for change. maybe i should just change things and not wait for it. the only time that is quiet, is when everyone is asleep.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
A day after Christmas
A day before Christmas Eve I somehow got persuaded into going to the Gym! Its so bizarre, my first time sweating my ass off in the gym haha grosssssssssssss My friend became my personal trainer for the day, she made me go on this thing that goes up and down like you're climbing up a hill, then we did some weights (1kg oneS) i had to do squats and all that shbang. There was this asian lady that seemed so motivated, prolly thinking i betttter make use of my 20$ here ! haha The gym was pretty pricey and the fact that peeps there seem to just care about the money and not for our well-being. Asssses.
We can back to my place, but on the way we bought some ice cream! My friend got a tub of ferrero +nutella whilst i got a tub of mango passion sorbet. yumms. The bus ride was pretty quick cause we were busily chit chatting and i missed my stop, I forgot to press the bell and yelled out at the bus driver to stop. we had a lil petty argumnt as i got off. that mofo grr i hate public transport!
The day ended off with eating some crackers with olives and my fav strawberry jam from mornington peninsula. Then the desserts :) It was a funfilled tiring day, I now feel motivated to get my ass and legs toned up!
Then at nighttime, I started typing up my xmas messages via fb to my loved ones. Is it necessary to wish them a merry christmas again when you've already written a card? Hrm..
On Christmas Eve I met up with my Japanese friend and my (im not sure what to call him but i consider him as one of my besties) friend at Koko Black as my Jap friend has never been. I ordered from the summer special menu - rasberry ice chocolate and a summer spoil which included the choccies, ras sorbet, shortcake, cake. the rasberry puree in my ice chocolate was not great... tasted rather ergh. buti pulled through with a happy face :)
We chatted for ages there, it was so good catching up with her and going out with my friend too. Honestly, I never thought I'd be able to see her again! So i was extremely happy, shes the sweetest and nicest and cooolest. I hope she can be a flight attendant, then she could be able to travel even more. Shes practically been everywhere in Asia, shes so lucky! It was unfortunate she had to leave early for a Xmas dinner with her boyfriend's family, so we walked and waited with her at the bus stop.
When she left, me and my friend went shopping at MC. He didnt get anything, but he was so good at picking out clothes and stuff! I think he has better taste than Me. I so would shop with him, i love his honesty. I also bought some tea from T2. Starwberry and cream + Turkish Apple (L) It tasted so good at the stores, so i had to buy it. But when i got home to make it, it tasted.. rather weird ~
On Christmas, my dad fell ill, so i had to substitute at a Wedding. So my mum, me and sisters drove to the wedding. The road there was tough, in terms of the turns and the endless roads. We thought we wouldnt be able to make it, the roads were spindling, i htink we were driving up a mountain or something. Was so scaryy, i was secretly praying in my head ahah Luckily we had a Gps or else, with me being so bad at maps, i think i would have gotten lost !
But i think driving 47min was pretty worth it to see this venue. It had this ranch feel to it, very natural and earthy. But it was unfortunate it was the typical asian catering service. Which did not do the venue any srvice, it totally killed the atmosphere for me. I was expecting Western food when i got there, but i saw Asian waiters and i just though, dear me. I only liked the entree, it was a battered prawn and some seeweed with sesame seeds. The rest of the food was cold and not appetising.
I'm glad my sisters had fun, there wasnt enough dancing though, maybe cause i left at 12. Everyone got a complimentary Chocolate with their names on it. The chocolate tasted rather nice, it was just plaion milk chocolate with a picture of the bride and groom. Tasteyy. I was eating the choccies for enegery to last me trhough the night cause the food was terrible.
On the way home, there was a smoother road to travel on, it didnt take long to get out to the freeway/motorway.
Todays Boxing day, and I'm home for the first time in my shopaholic years. This sucks. But I wouldnt be so worried about not snagging up all the deals cause they'll be on sale for awhile. So before the year ends, lets boost the economy!
Peace Out.
[I need to post up all the photos]
x
We can back to my place, but on the way we bought some ice cream! My friend got a tub of ferrero +nutella whilst i got a tub of mango passion sorbet. yumms. The bus ride was pretty quick cause we were busily chit chatting and i missed my stop, I forgot to press the bell and yelled out at the bus driver to stop. we had a lil petty argumnt as i got off. that mofo grr i hate public transport!
The day ended off with eating some crackers with olives and my fav strawberry jam from mornington peninsula. Then the desserts :) It was a funfilled tiring day, I now feel motivated to get my ass and legs toned up!
Then at nighttime, I started typing up my xmas messages via fb to my loved ones. Is it necessary to wish them a merry christmas again when you've already written a card? Hrm..
On Christmas Eve I met up with my Japanese friend and my (im not sure what to call him but i consider him as one of my besties) friend at Koko Black as my Jap friend has never been. I ordered from the summer special menu - rasberry ice chocolate and a summer spoil which included the choccies, ras sorbet, shortcake, cake. the rasberry puree in my ice chocolate was not great... tasted rather ergh. buti pulled through with a happy face :)
We chatted for ages there, it was so good catching up with her and going out with my friend too. Honestly, I never thought I'd be able to see her again! So i was extremely happy, shes the sweetest and nicest and cooolest. I hope she can be a flight attendant, then she could be able to travel even more. Shes practically been everywhere in Asia, shes so lucky! It was unfortunate she had to leave early for a Xmas dinner with her boyfriend's family, so we walked and waited with her at the bus stop.
When she left, me and my friend went shopping at MC. He didnt get anything, but he was so good at picking out clothes and stuff! I think he has better taste than Me. I so would shop with him, i love his honesty. I also bought some tea from T2. Starwberry and cream + Turkish Apple (L) It tasted so good at the stores, so i had to buy it. But when i got home to make it, it tasted.. rather weird ~
On Christmas, my dad fell ill, so i had to substitute at a Wedding. So my mum, me and sisters drove to the wedding. The road there was tough, in terms of the turns and the endless roads. We thought we wouldnt be able to make it, the roads were spindling, i htink we were driving up a mountain or something. Was so scaryy, i was secretly praying in my head ahah Luckily we had a Gps or else, with me being so bad at maps, i think i would have gotten lost !
But i think driving 47min was pretty worth it to see this venue. It had this ranch feel to it, very natural and earthy. But it was unfortunate it was the typical asian catering service. Which did not do the venue any srvice, it totally killed the atmosphere for me. I was expecting Western food when i got there, but i saw Asian waiters and i just though, dear me. I only liked the entree, it was a battered prawn and some seeweed with sesame seeds. The rest of the food was cold and not appetising.
I'm glad my sisters had fun, there wasnt enough dancing though, maybe cause i left at 12. Everyone got a complimentary Chocolate with their names on it. The chocolate tasted rather nice, it was just plaion milk chocolate with a picture of the bride and groom. Tasteyy. I was eating the choccies for enegery to last me trhough the night cause the food was terrible.
On the way home, there was a smoother road to travel on, it didnt take long to get out to the freeway/motorway.
Todays Boxing day, and I'm home for the first time in my shopaholic years. This sucks. But I wouldnt be so worried about not snagging up all the deals cause they'll be on sale for awhile. So before the year ends, lets boost the economy!
Peace Out.
[I need to post up all the photos]
x
Friday, December 4, 2009
Empire state of mind
In New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York
In New York,
One hand in the air for the big city,
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty,
no place in the World that can compare,
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh
There's nothing you can’t do,Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York
In New York,
One hand in the air for the big city,
Street lights, big dreams all looking pretty,
no place in the World that can compare,
Put your lighters in the air, everybody say yeaaahh
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