Gees i feel so useless, im stupid. i dont know how to do hard stuff. gees im sorry im not smart and i dream big. i cant live up to my expectattions or up to your lowly standards of me.i cant even do that much and i spend so much of your money. im sorry. i find those who suicide quite brave, to let go off everything in a split second. there are happy days and there are bad days, i jsut want to look back and laugh at all this. but right now, its jsut so frustrating!! I cant do what i am expected so i blame others, i blame my sisters, i blame my enviroment, i blame you, i blame everyone to take off the guilt as to why i did so badly. i see everyone around me suceeding, i can imagine my life in their shoes, but getting there looks really bleak at the moment.

Everyone's potential, i belive can be seen in primary school. I see my friends potential and wow, i wish i was like them. Everyone who was in the smart group in primary are all doing well now. i was always JUST there, not there yet but ABOUT to. working hard is jsut not me, ive never had to do anything hard in my life, being spoilt since young, was that my decision? Obviously not, being put in that enviroment then being removed .. how do i just make myself feel natrual to this? It's been 6 years, the worst years in my life. But it does come second to being/staying over someones house every week and being molested. who says my life is all that fantastic? And i get everything i want? Uhha. I question in my mind, when you think of your childhood memories, what were they? eating ice cream at the parlour and such with your parents in the image? Yeah mine were there, dropping me off early in the morning to my family friend's house, disturbing their house every morning. Must have been a pain to have me. I admit i stole cause i liked it, ithaving parents then was like having none at all. Work so hard, have me, work even harder. whats the point? Death seems like a simple solution. But with my mum's superstitions, theres the afterlife and such. And i will go to hell to be punished for all my wrong doings. Yelling at my parents would be the biggest one, lying, stealing, persuading and much more. I've done pretty much everything thats bad. I havent done smoking or drugs, but could come next? Who knows.
What i want to know are the kids who drink at an early age, i want to see how their lives turn out. Girls with no pride, how will they end up? Do i just ignore and try to live my own life? Gosh this sounds so bloody depressing. Should get therapy. I jsut want someone to give me an answer. What was the point of me being born into thisworld? I bring so much grief to whom loves me. was i like some live toy that was designed to punish my parents for their wrong doings in the past? Man wha is this life coming to? there is so much pressure in vce. and then uni. I know what i want, i want to travel. I dont want to be away from mys siters too long, but if i had the opportunity to study overseas for a year, id take it up. If only it was given to me now, id take it in a heartbeat. I just want to get away from everyone, everything here. I need another break? Some people work all their lives and some have not even been overseas and ive just came back from the u.s and soon to thai. So is it selfish of me to think of another holiday? Am i just a lazy girl ? Im really tired. If there was a pill that would make me sleep forever, id buy that in a heart beat too. but then id bring so much heartache to those around me, which then would make me feel guilty. my family, friends, gees. this really sucks. nothing is going the way i hoped it would be. the fortune teller said i was going to have a hard life, yipee. and imstupid. wahh didnt need to be told that, it shows from my failing reports. just when i was motivated to do even better, my results for accounting was brought up, this just made me feel all depressed once again. what can i do my cry to myself. i dont want to bring up the past. i dont want to live in the past. i just want to live now, but why do people around me keep bringing up everything i dont want to hear? Its so frutsraing. and theres nothing i can do but smile. or try laugh it off or cringe my face.

i think i've had enough and i cant wait for change. maybe i should just change things and not wait for it. the only time that is quiet, is when everyone is asleep.